TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
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my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista