[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
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waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
broke down and did it
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math