Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Multitask? I can barely unitask

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”

[The glare was EPIC]

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

A dead goose is called a ghoost

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.

NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

Day 4: They suspect nothing.

📸:

Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.

Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”

My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

Teddy Roosevelt used to sucker punch people when they left the White House, spawning the phrase “Don’t let Theodore hit you on the way out.”

A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas

Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?

her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where

me: [under breath] whereapist

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy