Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

Smooooooth

I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.

During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.

I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.

I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

Me: I need to finish the semester strong

Friend: hey

Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals