Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.

It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.

Engraved on my tombstone:

No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.

Especially at night.

FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight

ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?

FRIEND: um, like…to dinner

ME: cool, cool

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”

Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?

NEIGHBOR: Deborah

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.

Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure

If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive