Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
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Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”
Denmark has recalled packets of instant Korean ramen for being too spicy. In related news, the United Kingdom has recalled packets of plain instant porridge for the same reason.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?