Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
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All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.