Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?

My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

this is the news I live for

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you

“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”

It’s fall??

“Ya, so what?”

[leaves start attacking everyone]

OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED

Dietest Coke

I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl

DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all

DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Doctor: Step on the scale.

Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?

Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?

Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol

I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away

incredible book dedication

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”