Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/D-yfwRtXsAAsdA7.mp4

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.

Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.

“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”

#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.

The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.

And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school

ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*

Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.

I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.

Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.