#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
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*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
good for her
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.