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Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.