Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
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making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
Being a consultant would be fun. Like “hmmm… maybe! Here’s your invoice.”
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.