Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
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niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Leonardo DiCaprisun
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now