Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
so weird how every mom was born today
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid