tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
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My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.