tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
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Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs