tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
You Might Also Like
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.