Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
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This was a bad idea all around
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
SUPER-VILLAIN: Join me! Together we would be unstoppable!
HERO: Ok
SUPER-VILLAIN: What’s that now?
HERO: I’m in
SUPER-VILLAIN: Oh. I wasn’t really prepared for you to accept.
HERO: My therapist said to try new things
SUPER-VILLAIN: This is awkward
HERO: I’ll get my stuff
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
