Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
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even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
smartest karate player in the world
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.