Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
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AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
No chill.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”