Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
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Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
There’s a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. I’m so afraid that one of these days I’ll end up walking right into a tunnel painted on a brick wall.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive