Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…

Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf

Me: Get the hell out of my sight!

My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.

“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.

I am HOWLING at this

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”

Ian: “What makes you say that?”

Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”

ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.

3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery

[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

me to God

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

Cop: A ghost killed your family?

Guy: Yes!

Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?

Guy: No?

Cop: Well there you go.

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

(True)

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

This is what makes twitter great

I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.

If you love someone, let them sleep.