Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

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The Chosen Phew

Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…

*stares into the abyss

The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.

Friend: Let’s get a table outside

Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?

“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”

– said no mom, ever

Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.

so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell

I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby

-Canadians flirting

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.

I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party

The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.

I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.

Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time

Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.

just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.

Me: Thank you.

Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.