Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out

And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.

Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.

In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.

“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

“Please continue to hold…”

HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*

If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.

[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

[a door mysteriously slams shut]

me: *spooked* what was that

the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol

me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables

Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.

There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will

ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.

you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?

My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

smh

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.