Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.

Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.

Me now: I would never date anyone.

Why is it that every time I set foot in a post office with any sense of urgency at all there’s a guy directly in front of me trying to mail an aardvark to his cousin in Peru or some shit? Never fails.

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!

ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.

Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.

Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.

The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.

Cunts love it when you call them that.

*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:

Sup, girl?