Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
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I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
I love how people think those little cheese knives are for serving cheese, like awwww that’s cute no those are for *defending* your cheese, trust no one
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
If you had more money you’d be happier.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated