Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
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Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.