Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes

[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]

Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton

Mob boss: Him too

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

me: i’ll have a steak

waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant

me: oh

waiter:

me: ok i’ll have a vegan

Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

My sex drive has a dui

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine

Jfc

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship

2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk

[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha

My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!

Her: you ever done hot yoga?

*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*

Pretty sure

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?

Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.

Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.