Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like you’re not the father

Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.

Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.

Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

Birds & Planes.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….

…..I just love smell of campfires.

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

How I’d get arrested…

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…

I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?

GF: Yep

M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus