[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
You Might Also Like
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.