[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
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CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
absolute chaos
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
How do I rate our solar system?
One star
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
this has to be peak English
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda