*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
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Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
These 3D printers are insane!
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever