@rcromwell4

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

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@That_Damn_Duck

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

@JPLFR80

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

@ArfMeasures

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

@kissmefreedom

Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.

@tweetsbyrocket

teacher: what do you want to be when you grow up

me: happy

teacher: [on phone] we need to talk about your son’s unrealistic expectations

@AmishPornStar1

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

@withanewname

Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.

@justsomegirl81

Other mom: We only eat organic, gluten free foods.
This mom: My toddler ate the lint off the rug so now I don’t have to vacuum today.

@TrondyNewman

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.