*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.