@rcromwell4

*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*

Time to seize the day.

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@TheBoydP

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

@FeelingEuphoric

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

@gerryhatric

According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.

@SteveDutzy

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

@JohnFatherJohn

confession: I’m only getting my PhD in physics cause I wanted my hate for The Big Bang Theory to be more personal.

@audipenny

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

@clindsaysway

Meant to say, “Let me check my calendar and get back to you.” What came out: “I’m available anytime”

@gobmentcheese

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.