*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
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if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
At ease
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
i don’t get to travel very often but every time i do i really get to thinking: did anthony bourdain just have diarrhea for like 9 months of the year
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp