*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
You Might Also Like
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
inventing words: clothing
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
seems like a niche market
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now