*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Somedays I just love AI so much
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
seems like a niche market
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Breakfast is the most important beer of the day.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️