*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Love bombing?
I’ve never even been love water ballooned
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*