*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
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They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Talk about a bad egg
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime