*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
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Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
every olympics i turn into this guy
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.