Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.

I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

Her: Please be on your best behavior.

Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.

(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)

Before carbs: Hates everyone

After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.

My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie

If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.

[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]

Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

😭😭

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear