Tuesday
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I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers