Tuesday
You Might Also Like
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
This hospital has everything
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
subtitles are so good nowadays
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.