Tuesday
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If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Just organising my finances.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
shazam but for whatever the fuck goes on in the apartment upstairs
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing