Tuesday
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I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
gentlemen, hear me out
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”