Tuesday
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Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
Simple meth.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair