Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes

told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?

Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

Mr. Potato Head is not doing well. Tuberculosis.

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”

Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick

The End

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.

I asked him how he was coping.

He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”