Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
This kid is a star!
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Can’t, holding a grudge
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.