Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
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Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
A police officer just stopped me due to the terrible state of the sleeve on my cardigan, which is covered in small balls of thread. I’ve been charged with grievous bobbly arm 😔
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
another case of gang violins
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.
Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away