Tuesday
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I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…
3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisibleWhy you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…
3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what