Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
You Might Also Like
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.