Tuesdays are the worst so here is the funniest video of all time
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me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Always…
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Said hello to someone, they didn’t hear me, immediately assumed it was some sort of sixth sense situation
😭😭
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.