Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

[GF comes home to find our son alone]

Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!

ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits

I say yeah I do…

And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀

Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

What about a To-Don’t List?

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.

“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.

(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes

*running from the police and turning into an alley*

HER: Kiss me

HIM: What?

HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me

*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*

POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.

Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?

doctor: you’re completely blind

me: what are you saying

doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf

me: what

doctor: oh right

How do I like eggs?

Ummm…in a cake!

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that