tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
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Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
I think I’ll stand
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.