Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: how can i prepare for my date

FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids

ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet

My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love

TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean

Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.

Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵

Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

[My wedding]

Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.

Me: But my dress has pockets!

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.

I’m good, thanks.

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet

Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood

My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

Covid like

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!

Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.