Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
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“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
*husband rolls his eyes then instantly regrets it
My brain:
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’t
Tracie don’tMe: burns his grilled cheese sandwich on both sides
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.