Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
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[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
wdym don’t shoot the messenger? take responsibility for your career choices
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.