Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.

*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

*bites zombie*

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?

I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.

I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.

The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.

This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.