Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
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*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.