“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
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There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
this got me crying😭😭
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.