“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
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i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.