“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
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My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me: