*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
You Might Also Like
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
This has to be a scam text but what’s the end goal here?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg