*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
You Might Also Like
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET