*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
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Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!