TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
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“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
This is the best one I’ve seen
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do