TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”