TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
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*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
my mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
live long and prosper!
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)