Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

how do i lose 30 pounds without cutting out baja blast, coffee creamer, and my ritual of eating 400 calories worth of candy at 11pm???

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.

[playing chess]

FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji

ME: no you say check haha

[sound of clattering hooves increases]

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

Dear ladies,

if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

“Huge”.

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.

*Last Will & Testament

And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.