Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
You Might Also Like
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
i think both sides are to blame here
