Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?

Librarian : They’re right behind you.

If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.

I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.

*wipes off Chapstick

Weigh me now

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.

I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

ME: Hi mirror

BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk

ME: Hi mirror

BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.