Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
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DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation