Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
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I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
For the orator and chef in all of us
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems