Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
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[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
An odd boast
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again