Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is mississippi

pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p

judge: im sorry you’re missing an i

pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

True

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍

In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.

Fun like a LinkedIn notification

Security are trying to arrest a man who stole some binoculars from Duty Free. The problem is he can see them coming a mile away

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao