Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
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If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10