Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
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“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really