Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security

Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON

Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

Just cleaned out my desk.

Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.

Good news: I found the plane!

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

What’s your guide about?

Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!

Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.

Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆

#wildemount #critters #dnd

You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE

me: My best friend will protect me

mugger: Haha, right-

[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]

half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both

hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.