Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.

I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.

I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?

LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.

To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

[first date]

Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*

Me: *gets up and leaves*

(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)

Me: What does that cloud look like to you?

3-year-old: A cloud.

Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?

3-year-old: Rain.

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.