Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.

ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

ME: today will be a good day

PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

[marketing meeting]

Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?

The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

Me: I am a goddess. I was born for greatness. I will paint these shutters myself.

Me halfway up a 20-foot ladder: I am a land mammal. I was born with gravity. I will pay someone else to paint these shutters.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

“This smoothie is spicy!”

“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”

It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

pro: having a lovely time visiting canada

con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*

Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.

Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.

Them: just trust your gut

Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?