Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

Fiction has to make sense.

When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly

I pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food

My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.

Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins

Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

#damn

Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.

“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.