Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
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[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
